Our Secret
by shineaway
Summary: Clare is with Jake and Eli with Imogen; both seemingly happy. What people don't know is that Clare and Eli are still friends just...when nobody is watching. When things between them get heated it only makes their relationships that much more complicated.
1. Chapter 1

_I've been working on this new fanfiction and since i finished Just A Bet i thought i could handle this one! _

_I hope you all like it. It's ultimately an Eclare fic but with some minor Cake/Imogeli._  
><em>Enjoy! <em>

**Chapter 1 -** Just Another Secret

Clare spent the morning in the library, listening to her Ipod as she sat by herself – drowning out the noises of the world around her. She looked around knowing the bell would soon ring and she would be forced to spend seventy minutes in a confined room with two people she didn't really want to see. Jake would be in this class, which was an upside, even if he wasn't as good a student as she, they were working well together.

Jake Martin, a childhood friend of Clare's had transferred to Degrassi right after spring break and she had gotten set up by their parents to "get Jake familiar with Degrassi". A good cover, seeing as their parents were always trying to set them up. Jake was cute, funny and sweet so naturally they did begin spending time together, it just came naturally. The two weren't quite dating but whatever they were was definitely a step up from friendship.

Students abruptly began scurrying from the library and Clare took that a sign that it was time for class.  
><em>Great<em>, she thought as she pulled her bag over her shoulder and made her way into the hallway

"I don't understand…who was watching them?" Jake asked about halfway through English as they discussed 1984 by George Orwell. Clare felt her cheeks redden with second-hand embarrassment.  
>She heard a chuckle at the back of the class and turned to see Eli sitting with a conceited smirk, rolling her eyes, she turned back around. <em>Don't give him the satisfaction<em>, she thought to herself.

It was obvious to everyone that Clare and Jake were dating or at least pretty close to it and Clare couldn't help but hear the rumours about Eli and Imogen. That was the problem about high school – everybody knew everything.

"Can anybody help out ?" asked with an eager smile. Clare didn't have to turn around to know whose hand would be up to help.

"Go ahead!" she said excitedly, it was no secret that Eli was on of ' favourite student so of course she was always happy to hear Eli's input.

Clare listened as Eli explained that the novel is never clear whether big brother is a real person or a something made up by The Party, which she of course already knew.  
>"It's pretty understandable if you read the novel thoroughly" Eli finished and Jake turned and narrowed his eyes at Eli's obvious dig at his reading capabilities.<p>

Clare cringed at the boys' exchange. Jake knew about her past with Eli and would often comment on Eli's "excessive staring" at her. So of course the two didn't quite get along.

Little did anybody know, sometimes Clare and Eli would meet up and talk. They never did anything more and they never brought up Jake or Imogen, that would make it too real. Clare hadn't even told Alli about it, she liked having a secret and being able to keep Eli in her life in a way.  
>The two would sit at the park closest to Clare's house, talking about her parents, his illness, the stresses of school and their friends.<p>

They kept it a secret because the drama that publicly being friends would create was too much to handle. When they were together he was thoughtful and charming; the way he had been in the early stages of their friendship but at school he kept his arrogant, tough exterior; occasionally rolling his eyes at Clare or making snide comments to Jake.

Clare was different at school as well, she acted as though Eli deserved none of her attention and when they did interact she would politely serve him a sarcastic comment and smile.  
>They were fooling everyone.<p>

That night, Clare sat with Jake, Alli and Dave at a booth in The Dot; talking over lattes and brownies – Clare and Alli's favourite.

Dave had invited a group of friends to his cottage the following weekend, and as Alli's best friend Clare and Jake were naturally invited along. Clare was nervous about spending the weekend with Jake. Sure, they spent time together and she enjoyed being with Jake…but being together over night scared her.

"I'm getting another latte, you want?" Alli asked, standing up and pulling Dave with her.  
>Clare shook her head "No, I'm good."<p>

As Alli moved away Clare couldn't help but notice the couple at the booth across from them, Eli and Imogen. Imogen sat beside Eli talking animatedly about something nobody else could hear but Eli's eyes flickered to Clare, a small smile on his face, just for her.

Jake put his hand over Clare's and her eyes immediately snapped back to him.

"This weekend is going to be amazing. You, me, sunsets and bonfires, I can't wait to spend time with you." Jake said with a smile and all of Clare's fears melted away, he was a good guy, perfect for her.

Jake's eyes roamed down to her lips and she took in a deep breath, she was sure he was about to kiss her. They had only ever kissed once, on their second date he placed a spontaneous kiss on her lips after winning their game of mini putt. Though they kissed once, it hadn't become a regular thing… even though Clare wouldn't particularly mind.

Clare closed her eyes and felt Jakes lips on hers, warm and patient as he moved his hand to her cheek. When he pulled back he was smiling brightly at Clare and she couldn't help but reciprocate.  
>"I can't wait either, it's going to be perfect" she said leaning in for another kiss.<p>

Eli walked into the cafeteria where he found Imogen waiting for him, a book open in front of her. As Eli sat down she smiled up at him and put the book away. "So!" she said clapping her hands together enthusiastically. "Dave invited me up to his cottage this weekend. Tons of people are going. You in?" she asked with a hopeful smile.

Considering it for a moment, Eli gave her a half-hearted "I guess". Spending the weekend with Imogen wouldn't be so bad, Eli thought. She took his mind off of the negative things in his life and he needed someone like that. Eli was trying to move on with his life and befriending Imogen and getting to know her seemed to have been the perfect way to do that.

Eli looked past Imogen to see none other than Clare and Jake sitting a couple tables away. Clare's hair was pulled back in a pony and her bangs fell across her forehead perfectly. He watched as Clare leaned in and gave Jake a quick kiss before noticing Eli and instantly pulled away, embarrassed.

Eli's throat tightened and he focused his eyes on Imogen. _Don't look at her_, he thought as he leaned into Imogen whose lips awaited his. His mind cleared with the intensity of their kiss and he smiled, glad to have Imogen in his life.

They had kissed a couple of times in the past and each time it helped him move forward but even after their kiss his eyes still found Clare's across the room. She looked back at Jake and said a quick goodbye before pulling her bag over her shoulder and heading out of the cafeteria.

Of course Eli had to follow her, that look they just shared…it was different. It meant something.

Their secret friendship was what they both needed. That connection they had was still there but they never took it further, because they knew they couldn't and they both needed that friendship.

Eli ran out the door before finally meeting Clare and pulling her shoulder to look at him.  
>"Hey" he said out of breath.<p>

Clare gestured for him to follow her and she quickly made her way to a classroom a few feet away and once Eli was in the room she closed the door behind him, making sure nobody saw.  
>They had never interacted at school since they broke up and they both intended on keeping up the charade, their friendship was too much to risk.<p>

The room was empty and dark and every move they made was multiplied in sound. Clare could hear Eli's jagged breaths as he leaned against the door.

"I don't like seeing you kiss _her_" Clare admitted, her voice a whisper. Eli took her hand and pulled her closer to him.

Clare pulled herself forward, wrapping her arms around Eli's neck before capturing his lips in a kiss.  
>"I don't like seeing you kiss <em>him<em>" he said back as the kiss broke with the same hushed tone.

They continued kissing, their tongues moving in unison. Eli guided Clare to a desk not far behind and lifted her onto it, her legs automatically wrapping around his waist as they drifted into oblivion.

"So that was..." Eli began saying as he fixed his clothes and ran a hand through his hair. This shouldn't have happened and they both knew it, though neither of them would ever admit that; their feelings were too strong to justify this as wrong.

"Unexpected?" Clare said with a small laugh as she fixed the buttons on her shirt and fixed the clip that held some of her curls to the side.

Eli watched as she frantically fixed her hair and clothes and laughed.  
>"What is so funny?" she asked, turning around with a hand on her hip.<p>

"You! Just…calm down okay you look all frazzled." He said taking a step closer and placing a hand on each shoulder, steadying her.

"How can I be calm right now?"

"Take deep breaths…just don't get so worked up" he laughed and she looked at him unamused. Now he was teasing her. Classic Eli, she thought.

"I guess I should be getting back to class." She said after a few moments of silence_. And back to Jake_, she thought.

Clare walked towards the door and Eli stopped her, wrapping a hand around her wrist before she could escape and bringing her eyes to his.

"Wait…" Eli said quietly and she waited…knowing that he had something to say.

"What does this mean?"

Clare opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She was speechless, a rare occurrence in Clare Edwards' world.

What did this mean? So they fooled around and both were currently in a relationship. They hid their friendship and now this would be just another secret - Another lie to everyone in her life. She knew it was wrong but their connection was something so different than she had with anybody else; she couldn't deny seeing him.

"I- I uh…I don't know." She stuttered out, finally. Suddenly the stained tiles of the classroom floor was the most fascinating thing in the world.

"So we just go back to the way things were?" he asked watching her intently, even though the classroom was dark he could still see her face and it made his heart ache seeing how distraught this all had made her.

She nodded. "Yeah well… you're with Imogen and I'm with Jake. And like we had talked about before – being seen publicly is just too much drama right now."

"Okay" Eli said slowly…realizing that this didn't much but to him it was significant. When they were dating they never went further than kissing and today was just a little bit more. It was passionate and intimate – unlike anything they'd ever shared.

"So back to class now?" Eli asked, for her benefit. He could tell she wanted to leave, with each second that passed she inched closer to the door.

Clare nodded. "I'll see you later." She whispered as she closed the door behind her, leaving Eli alone in the dark classroom.

_Reviews are always appreciated ;)_


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry it took so long to update but to make up for it this chapter is a little bit longer. Hope you like it!  
>Reviews are greatly appreciated!<p>

**Chapter 2**

**Clare's POV**

My legs were stretched out on the dashboard as i flipped through the pages of a book slowly, the wind blowing my curls and the sun filling the car.

Jake sat beside me, his eyes focused on the road - periodically singing along with the music that played on the radio.  
>We were an hour into our car ride up to Dave's cottage. Another hour and we would be surrounded by friends, freedom and lakeside nights; i had been anticipating this trip all week. It was a good time to get away, i would get to spend some time with Jake; which we were both looking forward to.<p>

After what happened with Eli i told myself it would never happen again. I wasn't that girl; the one to cheat on her loving boyfriend. Even if Eli and I did have history, it didn't make it right and i knew that. Even if our brief 15 minutes together had been spontaneously popping into my mind a lot. Like i said, this weekend would be good. Jake and i could connect and there was always something about country air that put things into perspective for me.

"what are you most excited for this weekend?" Jake asked, pulling me from my thoughts. My eyes had been traveling across the same sentence in my book for the past 5 minutes.

I looked at Jake, who smiled quickly at me before turning back to the road.

I considered his question for a minute and put my hand over top of his that was currently resting on his lap.

"Sunsets by the water with you" i teased, batting my eyelashes when he looked my way.

Jake shook his head and laughed "weird...that would've been my answer too!"

I laughed and squeezed his hand.

"I'm partially serious about that one...but i think just everyone being together will be fun." i said excitedly and he nodded in response.

"I stick by my last response about the sunsets." he teased and now it was my time to shake my head.

"It'll be a good weekend though, i promise" he said without looking at me. I could see the genuine smile tug at the side of his cheeks and i knew how grateful i was to have him.

We spent the next hour talking, singing occasionally and myself reading. I loved that things we're comfortable between us. Now with all thoughts of Eli pushed to the back of my mind...i was ready for a good weekend with my boyfriend and my best friends.

**Eli's POV**

"Oh my god...i absolutely love this song! Eli, don't you just love this!" Imogen said with a wide smile as she turned up the radio.

She danced in her seat for the remainder of the song, wiggling her hips , waving her arms and looking to me every once in a while to see if i was getting into it like her - which i was not.

"Lighten up ...we're going away for the weekend, this is going to be fun!" she said excitedly and i forced a smile.

"You're right...sorry."

"Say that again...but mean it." she said with a smile.

I couldn't deny that she took my mind off of the bad in my life. She was a breath of fresh air, a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

"You're right, i'm sorry." i said this time meaning it. I knew she found truth in my words when she nodded, clearly pleased.

"And promise me you'll keep an open mind this weekend. Lets have fun!"

I rolled my eyes. "Okay...open mind it is. So we have an hour until we get to destination "fun cottage"?"

Imogen giggled and looked at her watch.

"Yep...one hour!"

I couldnt help but wonder who would be there. Dave...obviously...but who did Dave hang out with? I guess i didn't pay enough attention at school to even recognize groups of friends.

"So who's going to be there this weekend?" i asked, my eyes still focused on the road.

"Hmm, Dave obviously..." she said with a laugh before continuing.

"Wesley, Hannah, KC, Jenna, Drew, Katie...i think." she said unsure.

Before i could respond Imogen lit up beside me. "OH, and Alli!" she finished with a look of accomplishment.

Alli was going? There was a 95% chance that if Alli was going, Clare would be there. Oh my god, what did i get myself into?

My mind began to race and i felt myself start to panic until i realized one small detail about Clare Edwards. Her parents were strict. So overbearing that it was rare they would let her go away for an entire weekend; let alone to an unchaparoned cottage with a bunch of teenagers.

I felt relieved, glad that i wouldnt have to deal with however she would treat me after what happened this past week. We hadn't spoken since that day in the darkened classroom and she avoided me at all costs - never looked me in the eye, walked past my locker and even stopped going to the park at night that we often met at. I knew she was probably feeling guilty, it was the natural Clare thing to do...and i felt bad too but it was different. What we have is an undescribable connection, i'd say it's a small loop hole.

"Eli?" Imogen asked waiting for a response after her list of who we'd be spending the weekend with.

"Oh..sorry uh, wow...interesting group of people. Should be a fun weekend." i said with a laugh that she reciprocated before placing her hand on my free hand and giving it a light squeeze.

"It's going to be great!" she said smiling without a care in the world.

**Clare's POV**

"So this room is for you two...second best bedroom in the house." Alli said winking at me as she walked us into our room.

The walls were a pale yellow and a queen sized bed took place in the center of the room. White blankets and blue pillows covered the bed; suddenly the idea of sharing a bed with Jake tonight became real.

There were many times when we were kids that we'd have slumber parties along with Darcy or movie nights that we would accidentally fall asleep during, there were even a few nights we all layed out under the dark sky to watch the stars. This was different, we weren't kids anymore and our relationship had evolved into a romantic one. I would be sharing a bed with my boyfriend Jake, not the little boy from the cottage next door.

I shook my head trying to settle my nerves and looked beside me to see Jake watching curiously.  
>"You okay?" he asked taking a step away from the bag he was rummaging through.<p>

"Yeah sorry just got chills or something." i laughed before turning my attention to Alli who stood in the doorway.

"Who's coming this weekend anyways?" i asked, the cottage was huge, there were no less than 5 bedrooms for sure; so who else would we be spending 3 days with?

Alli took a minute to think before listing off the names on each finger.  
>"Jenna, KC, Hannah, Wesley, Katie, Adam and Drew." she said before looking at me with uncertainty in her eyes.<p>

"And possibly Imogen." she finished, before tensing up quickly...waiting for my reaction.

"What?" i asked, even though i heard her crystal clear.

"It doesn't mean he's coming, Clare. Think about it...would Eli ever be caught dead at some cottage for the weekend with his classmates? Highly unlikely!" she said placing her hands on her hips.

I took a deep breath and thought about it. She was right. Even with his best friends Adam and Imogen were coming it didn't mean he was. Alli was right, Eli wasn't very social...he wouldnt be here.

"Yeah you're right..." i said hiding my concern with a small smile. Jake placed his arm around me and pulled me close to him.

"And even so, the weekend will still be great, you're with us." he said gesturing to Alli and himself.

"Exactly! So unpack...get out your bathing suit and come in the hottub with me while Dave plays host?" Alli asked from the doorway, her hands clasped together and a small pout on her face.

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Fine...i'll meet you in hall in 5 minutes?"  
>Alli nodded and ran to her room down the hallway closing the door behind her.<p>

"Now you...have to get out" i said pulling my bathing suit from my bag.

"Aw come on...are you forgetting we spent our summers together for years. I've seen you in a bathing suit." he said pointedly and as i ushered him to the door where he feigned hurt.

"I'll be out in a minute, okay?"

I emerged from the bedroom with a towel wrapped around me, i closed the door and Alli immediately perked up from the where she was sitting on the stairs.

"Let me see the bating suit!" she said excitedly, meeting me.

"You'll see it when we get outside..." i said holding onto my towel and passing her on the stairs.

"Come on Clare...seriously? Show me!" she said eagerly, with big brown eyes that i hardly said no to.

"Ugh fine." before i could take unwrap the towel she had pulled it from around me and i was standing in front of her in my yellow bikini. I blushed and held my arms around my stomach.

I wasnt as confident in a bathing suit as Alli was. I reached for the towel and she pulled it away and shot down the stairs before me.

"Alli, get back here!" i whispered, trying to sound demanding. I clearly wasn't very convincing.

"Clare you look great. Seriously...put your arms down and ill give you towel back once we get outside. You just have to have confidence!" she said looking up at me from the bottom floor.

"Fine" i groaned and put my arms to my sides before making my way down the stairs and meeting her in the main room of the cottage.

Alli pranced through the room out to the back and i followed, timidly behind her. Feeling self concious as i closed the door behind me. She made her way to Dave who stood at the rail of the porch, talking to Jake animatedly about the fish he had caught the summer before here at his cottage.

Jake glanced my way quickly and looked back at Dave before turning his attention fully back to me...a smirk creeping on his lips as he told Dave he'd be right back.

"Why hello..." he said walking over to me with a grin, wrapped his arms around me in a hug.

"You look...amazing." he whispered in my ear. His low voice sending goosebumps across my exposed body.

When he pulled back he kissed me quickly and looked back at Alli who was waiting at the side of the hot tub for me.

"You go...Alli's waiting..." he said nodding to Alli who watched us impatiently.

"You can always join us?" i asked hopefully and he considered it and he looked down at me with the classic martin smile i'd grown to love.

"I'll be there in a bit." he said raising his eyebrows as he watched me walk away...making me blush as i made it into the hot tub.

I could feel Alli's gaze on me as my cheeks reddened when Jake went inside to change.  
>She cleared her throat from beside me and i looked at her innocently.<p>

"What?" i asked, my cheeks still pink.

"So this weekend, you and jake, sharing a room..." Alli said suggetively, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Stop!" i said looking around to make sure we were alone. Jake was in the house and Dave was nowhere to be seen so i guessed it was safe to talk.

"You two have this tension...i can practically feel the sexual frustration when im around the two of you." she laughed and i put my head in my hands, embarassed.

"We do not." i giggled but she just nodded.

"I'm still a catholic... i cant do...that." i said awkwardly and Alli rolled her eyes.

"I'm not saying have sex with him...but you can still be catholic and be close with Jake." Alli said with a wide smile.

I thought about tonight, sure we hadn't been dating long but i did want to take another step - wasnt sure what yet but i knew i really liked him.

"I know...and things are good with Jake, really good..." i said with a smile, thinking of how great he was to me; it never failed - he was almost perfect.

"Why not make them better?" Alli asked before nodding behind me where Jake approached a wide grin on his face.

The three of us sat in the hot tub, Jake with his arm around me and Alli across from us. As Dave got things prepared for his guests that he was more than excited about we watched and giggled at how frantic he was. Eventually Alli figured she would take the stress off of him and help, leaving Jake and I alone.

We sat for what seemed like hours with Jake periodically rubbing my shoulder or kissing my cheek; it was nice. Jake also made me laugh, it was one of the things i really loved about him. He could turn any situation into a humorous one in seconds.

"Look who it is... and Wednesday Addams..." Jake said with a laugh, his eyes moving from the door.

When i turned it was as if the world went silent. I couldn't hear a thing; all around me was white noise. I couldn't see anything other than him.

I shook my head, realizing i couldn't do this. Not here. Not anymore.

Eli stood at the door, talking to Dave with what i knew was a forced smile on his perfect pink lips. Imogen was beside him with her arm hooked onto his and a bag in her other hand.

I felt jealousy course through me and i looked away immediately.

"I guess they decided to come after all..." i said turning back to Jake who pulled me closer, sensing my discomfort already.

"Don't worry about them, okay? This weekend is still going to be amazing - nobody's going to change that" he said with a sincere smile that almost made me forget about the boy standing only a few feet away. When Jake leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips, cupping my cheek in his hand my mind went blank and he was all i wanted.

That evening, as the sun set and we walked along the water, Jake pulled me close to him and told me he was falling for me. I responded with a kiss, my arms resting on his shoulders and his at my waist. It was perfect, but as we walked back to the small cottage full of our friends and a bonfire that we knew would be a good time i felt an unreocognizable pain in my stomach. Regret? Love? Guilt? I didn't know...

"How was the romantic stroll you two love birds?" Dave teased as we met everyone by the fire.

"It was lovely, thank you" i teased, knowing he was just trying to embarass me.

The only spots left were on a bench currently occupied by Adam, Eli and Imogen.

Jake said a polite Hello to Imogen before sitting down, gesturing for me to sit next to him

I put my hand in Jake's and he squeezed tighter; letting me know he was there for me.

"Wow Clare...i love your bracelet, where did you get it!" I heard Imogen ask excitedly.

I didn't have anything against her, so as usual i was friendly and polite to her; as i was to everyone.

"Alli actually got it for me my last birthday. I love it..." i said with a smile, looking across the fire at Alli who smiled proudly.

"I knew you'd love it" Alli said rolling her eyes.

Imogen laughed at our exchange and looked at the piece of jewelry again. "It's very pretty." she said with a more serious tone.

I said "Thank you" awkwardly and the rest of the night at the bonfire was fun and easy. We all talked and shared stories, Jenna even brought out her guitar and played a song for us. It was the perfect end to a seemingly perfect day.

I couldn't help but yawn as i looked into the bright fire, feeling the warmth on my face as i reflected on the long day behind us.

"You tired?" Jake asked and i nodded.

"Alright guys, I think we're gonna head in..." he said standing up, taking my hand to bring me with him.

"Tonight was really fun, see you guys tomorrow" i said tiredly.

I looked at Alli who winked at me and i couldnt help but blush. Then i looked behind me and my eyes flickered to Eli; sitting beside Imogen, his eyes locked on me and Jake as we headed inside.

I sat in the middle of the bed in my pajamas, with my hair in a ponytail and a pillow in my lap. I was exchausted, but i sat waiting for Jake to change. I heard giggles come from the room beside ours and immediately, i stiffened. I knew Imogen Moreno's laugh when i heard it, and that was most defenitely her.

"Stop it!" i heard faintly and i closed my eyes, trying to fade out the noise.

"Wow, looks like we have some noisy neighbours..." Jake laughed, emerging from the bathroom in a pair of plaid pants and a white t shirt.

"I'd like to get some sleep tonight, so here's hoping they arent too loud!" i said with a laugh, that i knew sounded different.

I felt weird being in the bedroom next to Eli. I didn't know how far he and Imogen had gone and i didnt intend on finding out for myself.

As i crawled into bed, pulling the blanket overtop of me...Jake turned off the lights and got into bed, his body only inches from me.

I turned around, facing Jake and moved a little closer. I smiled when he looked at me with the adoring gaze he often did.

"Do you believe in fate?" i asked quietly.

He stayed silent for a minute before reaching his hand out to place his hand on my hip.  
>"What do you mean?"<p>

"You know fate. Do you think everything happens for a reason. That we all have a destiny that we'll eventually get to?"

Did i have a reason for bringing up fate while i layed in bed with Jake? Of course i did. With Eli in the next room i needed some kind of clarification that this was right. Maybe it was selfish, shouldnt i know for sure without prodding that i'm meant to be with him?  
>In the past my philosophy was always "this is how it is, so this must be how it's supposed to be". Lately though, Eli is constantly on my mind, like an addiction i eagerly crave and lust for day after day.<p>

"I dont know... i've never been one for philosophies or whatever but the way i see it...this is now. I can't do anything about the past or the future, so i live in the now." he said as his hand ran up my side slowly.

"You live in the now, huh?" i asked. The feeling his hand left on me sent warmth throughout my whole body.

"Mhmm" he said with a small nod and i laughed before leaning in to kiss him.

Jake pulled me closer, his arm wrapping around my waist as he began trailing kisses down my neck.

"How are you so perfect?" he whispered and i giggled in response, locking my arms around his waist, pulling him closer.

"Picked a few things up from you i guess" i said between kisses.

As i felt his fingertips ghost along the bottom of my shirt i pictured Eli in the back of my mind. When his hand finally slid up the back i thought of Eli and how he'd done the same thing in the classroom that day.

Eli. I couldn't get him out of my head and as Jake started kissing me with more intensity i pulled away, feeling his hands leave my body at once.

"Sorry i can't do this." i said feeling my eyes begin to sting.

Why was i such an awful person?

"No..no i'm sorry i didnt mean to push you." he said quickly, sitting up, with a genuine apologetic look on his usually silly face.

"It's not your fault i'm just, not ready" i lied. Of course i was ready, Eli and i shared more than a kiss that day.

"Okay, i'm sorry...we can just sleep. I didn't mean to freak you out." He said reaching out to catch the tear that rolled down my cheek.

"You didnt...it's just...me. I'm sorry." i said feeling guilty and horrible. "Goodnight." i said quietly, turning around and pulling my pillow close to me.

After twenty minutes i could hear Jake's light snoring and felt the pool of tears that collected on my pillow before making my way out of the bedroom and to the back porch. I wasn't going to be able to sleep. Not now.

"I'm sorry, i didn't know you would be here." a heard a voice from behind me, and when i turned i saw Eli standing with the door open, a mug in his hand.

"It's okay...i'm leaving soon anyways." i said turning back, fixing my eyes on the water that was so close.

"No, i meant this weekend." Eli said and before i knew it, he was sitting on the same wooden step as me, looking in the same direction.

"It's okay...i don't own Dave's cottage. You were invited..."

He didn't need to feel bad. Why did he feel as though i would hate him for coming, that he was unwelcome?

"I know i just feel bad..you look so uncomforable about me being here. I didn't mean to ruin your weekend." he said, his voice low and sincere.

I missed him. I missed going out at nights for walks and meeting at the park where we would sit for hours talking. We hadn't seen each other outside of school for 2 weeks now. I felt better sitting beside him. Like every thought that i had come out here to figure out was simpy gone.

"You didn't ruin it. Really, it's okay." i said with a laugh and he reciprocated with a smile.

"Okay, i'm glad." Eli said. "So, i haven't seen you around much...how have you been?"

I considered saying the usual "good" "okay" or "fine" but it was Eli, he could always see right through my lies.

"Honestly? Not too good... I've been feeling really distant from my own life you know?"

I knew that he knew what i meant by this because at one point he had shared something similar with me. His parents noticed a change in his behaviour - he wasn't the caring son they once knew. His grades took a minor fall and even his friendship with Adam had grown apart.

With me, i felt like when i read a book, i was only reading the words not the story. When i listened to music i wasn't hearing the meaning and when i was out i often faked laughter and forced smiles.

For Eli it was more of a social detachment and for me it was internal - all me.

Beside me, Eli nodded, i knew he understood.

"You're still you. You just have to give it some time...you'll get there."

This time i nodded. He was right...eventually he was back to the old Eli. It was just over two weeks ago that i noticed the positive change in his attitude.

A part of me thinks that this change is what triggered what happened that day in the empty classroom. He felt like _my_ Eli again.  
>The boy who told me i had pretty eyes and challenged me to come out of my shell. The boy who didnt push me when i tested my faith and needed me just as much as i needed him.<p>

I thought about it alot. That day in the classroom; with his arms wrapped around my waist and our lips inseperable.

I looked at him, his lips in a thoughtful line, his face lit by the moon and i realized i missed him more than id like to admit.

A lump began to rise in my throat and my eyes stung.

Before i knew it, i had moved closer and wrapped my arms around him, my head rested on his shoulder as he held me tightly.  
>Evidentally, tears fell and i cried as he rubbed my back, whispering to me slowly.<br>"It's okay, i'm here."

"I miss you." i said quietly and he pulled me tighter and heard him sniffle against me.

Was he crying as well?  
>It was possible, i knew he was hurting just as much as i was...if not more.<p>

"I know, i miss you too."


End file.
